When Listening to God Seems Crazy
That’s how long I’ve been asked to wait. 30 days.
I filed for divorce two days ago. This is after years of battling a failing marriage, years of prayers, counseling, adultery, increasing verbal and emotional abuse, neglect, and ups and downs. I feel like I’ve been in a boxing match where I get beaten up every round and God keeps telling me to go back in. He gives me instructions and I go obediently, utilizing the training and strategy I’ve received. But every time I let down my guard or make one wrong move: BAM! A power shot is landed. I recently felt like God called the fight. He rescued me. My husband said he wanted a divorce and I accepted it.
Only he didn’t file.
So I prayed about filing. Some people told me not to file, to let my husband make that final call. I took it into consideration but knew God was releasing me and the actual filing was semantics: my husband had functionally abandoned me long ago. I prayed for confirmation and received it in multiple ways.
So I filed. Two days ago, I filed for divorce. No regrets—it was the right call.
I was absolutely stunned when my attorney called me later that same day to say she had spoken to my husband’s attorney who said he didn’t want the divorce. They asked for a dismissal. Then my husband text and emailed me asking me to dismiss the filing and give him 30 days. He said more, but the gist of it was to give him 30 days to make me reconsider. If, at the end of 30 days, I still want to move forward, he won’t stop me.
After sleeping on it and praying, I informed my attorney we could dismiss for 30 days with all kinds of contingencies, which I won’t get into here. Let’s just say that I made it clear this is merely a delay, any reconciliation would take a supernatural miracle, and I reserve the right to change my mind at any time and re-file prior to 30 days.
Last night I was praying. I sensed God was nudging me to dismiss and wait the 30 days, but it wasn’t abundantly clear. And honestly, it didn’t make sense. I don’t believe anything will change and it is, frankly, a huge waste of money and added cost. I prayed and asked God if I was moving forward without him…if this is really what He wanted me to do. I told him how stupid I felt for even agreeing to postpone 30 days and the impossibility of any sustainable heart change for my husband. Although I believed I was doing what He instructed, I didn’t know why. I guess you could say I was complaining. It was during this time I told God I felt ridiculous and true change on the part of my husband would take a supernatural miracle when God responded to me, “Am I not still a God of miracles?”
I said, “Yes.”
God said, “Do you trust me?”
I said, “Yes. Yes, I trust you with my life.”
God said to me, “Watch what I do.”
Let me say that God isn’t always that direct with me so I questioned if that was my own mind at first. I thought about updating my support group—my small group of sisters in Christ who pray and fast with and for me, who check in on me, and who show me the tangible expression of love and care. They are the example of our second greatest commandment to love our neighbor and they do it well. I thought about updating them on this recent development and I didn’t want to do it. I’ve been filling them in on all the ugly details and I would look like a glutton for punishment to agree to this 30 days. I would be questioned about whether this was coming from my own desires because surely God wouldn’t call me to this. It doesn’t make sense. I thought about Joshua at Jericho and how he must have felt walking around a wall playing trumpets for 7 days to overtake a city (actually, more like a fort or military stronghold). How stupid he must have looked and felt. Well…that’s how I would have felt. So I worried about telling them, but we had all just been fasting and praying and I had to tell them no matter how weird it sounded.
No matter how crazy it seemed, I knew what God said to me.
I also knew I had to write it down so I could capture it verbatim and keep clear direction to reference later. It was late. I scrounged through my nightstand drawers looking for a scrap of paper and a pen to jot down what I heard from the Lord. In the bottom drawer, I located one piece of paper. It was sitting on top of a book that caught my attention. I pulled them both out of the drawer. The book was titled Am I Not Still God? by Kathy Troccoli. I read two chapters of it five or so months ago and decided to pick it up again and read (even though it was so late) because the title was so similar to what God had just said to me. I read the third chapter.
Chapter 3 was the story of a man and his wife who were an example of the story of Job. Their story of trials and suffering was one that most people would question the veracity thereof as it is simply hard to imagine someone going through so much hardship during one season. Hence, the example of Job. Three things struck me about the chapter:
1.) The couple compared this time of their lives to a boxing match, which is the same metaphor I’ve used many times to describe my marriage.
2.) The chapter ended this way: “Am I not still God?” our blessed Savior asks.
“Am I not still God?” our blessed Savior asks.
Yes, You are God.
Yes, You are still God.
3.) The couple in the chapter talked about praising God during these trials and singing songs of worship.
I closed the book and sang worship songs until I fell asleep.
This morning I awoke and the thoughts came immediately. I knew I had to tell my friends. I thought about this being the stupidest thing ever and that I’ll simply be re-filing in 30 days if not sooner but then I asked for forgiveness at questioning the power and sovereignty of God. This then led me to question the possibility of a supernatural miracle: the heart change, salvation, and repentance of my husband. I believed this was looking too far ahead, as well.
I don’t know what God has in store. I really don’t. But I believe He’s directing me (begrudgingly!) to agree to the next 30 days. I don’t know why. But I’m going to trust Him one day at a time and watch His plan unfold.
I’d like to invite you to join me on this 30-day journey. If you want to “Watch what God does” over the next 30 days, sign up to stay updated. Perhaps he’s even calling you to something during this time, too…